Let me begin...

Let me begin by telling you a little about myself and what made me want to try writing a blog.  

I'm a 50 year old wife and mother of and awesome 21 year old. I recently finished having radiation and chemo for Vulvar Cancer. It's not one of the most common cancers but then I have never been the type of person who had to have what everyone else had. For example I refuse to get an iPhone, I am not in high school anymore I don't need to be part of the in crowd, but that's another subject for another day.  

July 20, 2016 - I’m the type of person who hates going to the doctor unless I’m really, really sick. So needless to say I have not gotten a check up in ages. I have not been feeling good in months and I was in a lot of pain so I finally sucked it up and went to the doctor because I just couldn’t bare the pain anymore. I was given a note to stay home for a week to let my infection heal since being diabetic it was not healing and eventually turned into an open wound, the top layer of skin was completely gone. The doctor said she didn’t know how I was still managing to go to work and make it through the whole day with so much pain, I don’t know myself it was so excruciating I would cry myself to sleep at night. 

August 8, 2016 - So it’s been a month since my diagnosis and I wanna say it’s getting better but I’m really not sure if it is, this rash is back and I tried to treat it like I did before but it just got worse. It’s not as bad as before but it’s not too far from it. I feel so depressed, my quality of life is being diminished with this thing. I try not to show my husband and my son how bad I feel but we can’t even go out for dinner a trip to the mall without me having to go home because I am in pain.  

September 26, 2016 - After several months of misdiagnosis and eventually a biopsy the mystery is over I have Vulvar Cancer. We were kind of prepared for this but still it was hard to take. The doctor said this type of cancer happens to older women,  I’m kind of young to have this type of cancer. So after the exam he gave me my options which were kind of funny if cancer can be funny. He said it is so close to my clitoris that he would have to take it out which would mean I will never have an orgasm again, WTF??? By having my clitoris removed I will probably not have to chemo or radiation because they would be taking everything out, this is Option 1. Option 2 - Have him try and save my clitoris and I would have to have chemo and radiation to make sure they kill any cancer cells that may have been left behind. Option 3 – If he sees lymph nodes have cancer cells he can try and save my clitoris because in that case I would need chemo and radiation. 

So can I live without ever having my bell rung? (Because of course I would not have a bell to ring) Do I want to have my hair fall out and probably be sick for at least six weeks from the chemo and radiation? Is an orgasm worth the pain? Pleasure or pain? I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be making a life changing decision based on having an orgasm. For some people it’s a simple choice for some not so much. What would you do? 

I had surgery October 7th, and yes I lost my clitoris. 4 weeks after that I started chemo and radiation. I started off very optimistic and with a lot of positive thoughts but around the end it did get the better of me and I became a bit depressed. It was not easy, some of the side effects got pretty bad for me. I know others have gone through much more than I did and I have so much sympathy and admiration for them because I know I would never wish what I went through on anyone else. I was lucky I did not lose my hair, I was blessed with a lot of hair like my mother so even though I had some hair loss it doesn’t show. I finished me treatments January 13th and suffered through some lingering side effects for about 3 weeks after that before finally feeling like I was on my way back to normal. 

My life has changed quite a bit but in a good way. I feel like my outlook on life is so much brighter. I am usually a happy person but I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve so my feelings and my mood would change easily, now not so much. I appreciate all the little things so much more, and I always did in fact that is one of my favorite things to say 'it’s the little things that matter, that make me happy, or that make the difference’. I know I don't look like I battled cancer, I didn't have much hair loss, I didn’t lose much weight, but it was hard. I did struggle through some difficult side effects like nausea, diarrhea, constipation, stinky burnt skin, and tired and weakness just to name a few. I know these sound minor but they were sever for example I was constipated for 4 weeks that was painful and uncomfortable I couldn’t even sit because of the pressure. I went into this whole experience determined to be strong and I was up until the end when things got really bad. Now here I am determined to make every moment count. I want to cherish all the little things and just enjoy my second chance in this life. I never liked taking pictures but now here I am taking as many pictures as I can documenting everything I do. I was never a fan of exercise and now I get up at 6:30 am every Saturday morning so we can go out on those hiking trails and I can get myself stronger and healthier. I want to be in a better place Healthwise in case this beast decides to come back. It may never come back but I need to be prepared and I don’t want to have any regrets about not enjoying my life and taking chances. 

So that's just part of what I will be sharing with you on this journey to try get back to the person I was before this. Truthfully I will never be like I was before. I have been through quite a bit and some of the side effects are permanent, but I am determined to get as close to normal as possible and maybe you can help me when I get stuck or confused. Anyways I hope someone reads this blog and I hope they like it and maybe share it with a friend or two. Talk to you soon.